Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rival Bloggers Agree to Duel for “Months or Years”

Two “rival Bloggers” have formally agreed to argue back and forth with one another over every single point the other raises.

“We both realize that it’s, like, going to happen anyway, so we’ve decided to go ahead and make it a formal matter,” Mr. Jerry G. Gorebizinski, better known as InGOREland to his readers, said yesterday.

“See, this way, there’s no question that it’s going to happen,” Ms. Lisa Kruntsmucker, also known as Kaptain Krunt, agreed.

“It would kinda suck ass if, like, half the blogosphere came in expecting a fight about the need to kick butt in Iraq, and we were just, like, you know, talking about something else, like our favorite actors or something.”

According to a joint statement the two have released, they have agreed spend “however many months, or years” it takes until the loser “cries uncle, dumps his or her blog, and crawls under the bed in shame.”

The rivalry began several months ago, when the two bloggers, who are both admittedly “obsessed” with the War on Terror, began to fill one another’s comments boxes with critiques of one another’s comments.

“It started when I said that we were wrong to go into Iraq, based on what we now know,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “Lisa immediately popped up out of nowhere to read me the riot act, and I responded back, point for point. And then she rebutted my rebuttal to her rebuttal, and I rebutted that.”

“Before we knew it, we were, like, averaging about 50 to 100 comments per blog post, and then spending hours making posts to counter comments, and then posts to counter posts,” Ms. Kruntsmucker added.

Neither blogger claims to hate the other - just their views.

“I think Lisa’s actually really cool,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “I mean, now that we’ve actually met and stuff, I see we have a lot in common. We both like Star Wars, for instance. But I bet I have more action figures than she does!”

This caused the two to launch into a fifteen minute argument over the size of one another’s collection. Ms. Kruntsmucker won hands-down once she convinced Mr. Gorebizinski to accept not only old figures and new, but the twelve-inch dolls made back in the 70’s and early 80’s.

Ms Kruntsmucker has a “complete collection.”

“I know it sounds really, like, messed up to be spending all that time arguing with someone I just met in person the other day,” Ms. Kruntsmucker said: “But it’s a matter of principle. The blogosphere has to be kept free of French surrender-monkey bullshit like Jerry’s, and I’m proud to do my part.”

“I mean, we could have, like, backed off at any time,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “But the way we just went after one another... I mean, damn, Lisa’s just ferocious when she thinks she’s got you on the defensive.”

“Not that she ever really does, though!” He was quick to point out.

“I do have a natural tendency to press the issue up against the wall,” Ms. Kruntsmucker admitted: “My ex-boyfriend said it was because of how I was raised. You know, six kids in the same house and all. If you don’t put your foot down and pick your voice up, you ain’t getting nothing.”

“But then, my ex-boyfriend is now my ex-girlfriend, and trying to get the operation reversed, so, like, what kind of judge of character is that?”

Ms. Kruntsmucker’s comments were then rounded on by Mr. Gorebizinski, and the two spent the next hour and a half arguing over sexual self-determination, the Supreme Court’s recent overturning of Texas’ anti-sodomy law, what constitutes “proper” sexual behavior in American society and the relative cultural merits of gay porn.

(and with that, we're on vacation for a week and a half. see you!)f

Monday, January 17, 2005

Nine Inch Nails - Now "With Teeth"

The world of disaffected agnostic losers worldwide was “seriously rocked” by amazing news from Trent Reznor’s official website: not only has the forthcoming Nine Inch Nails CD been given a name, but legendary Muppet funkmeister Dr. Teeth has been brought on board “to give this CD some real bite.”

“I’m really excited to be working with Dr. Teeth,” Reznor told his fans, via the announcement on his site: “I’ve been a major fan of his all my life, and he apparently loves me as much as I love him.”

“He doesn’t love me as much as I love me, of course, but hopefully he doesn’t hate me as much as I do, either.”

The new CD, appropriately entitled With Teeth, will be the first real, all-new release from Nine Inch Nails since The Fragile, which came out so long ago that rumors of Mr. Reznor having died, winding up at the Betty Ford Clinic or chucking it all in for a job at Hot Topic had started to make the rounds once more.

“Ya’ll can stop that jive talk, now,” Dr. Teeth commented: “My man Trent’s a real man of funk. He’s got funk in his head! He’s got funk in his shoes! He got so much funk he don’t know what to do with it!”

He then made 5.6 seconds of wild, unintelligible gibberish, punctuated with a loud “Yeah!”

How the two legendary musicians came to be working together was explained by a somewhat reticent Reznor: “See, the new CD was just going nowhere. I’d done... God, six years of demo tracks and they all sucked serious ass. I was really seriously contemplating suicide, but that wasn’t helping either.”

“And then, late one night, I’m watching a rerun of the Muppet Show, and there’s Dr. Teeth laying down a groove I just had to sample. So I had my people call him, directly, since he doesn’t have any people anymore. And we got to talking, and next thing I know, he sort of moved onto one of my couches, and the collaboration’s been nothing short of amazing.”

Dr. Teeth said something that may have been a confirmation of the story, but could not be deciphered by this reporter.

Dr. Teeth has had some tough times since he lost the gig on the Muppet Show. His band put out one record before breaking up, and his subsequent divorce from Janice caused him to “go seriously and (unintelligible)ly astray from the path of good, righteous funk.”

He attributes naming his one and only solo record Bitch Better Have My Funk to the bitterness he felt inside - bitterness that wasn’t helped by his “funktastic binge of drugs.” In fact, he had to have the foam in his nose replaced several times due to heavy abuse of cocaine.

“But those days, those days, those funkless days are gone!” he announced: “Amen!”

“Yeah,” Reznor added, cracking a smile without much warmth.

The collaboration has already borne fruit in the form of Dr. Teeth doing his own, unique versions of ‘Ringfinger’ and ‘Starfuckers Inc.’ - two songs he could “personally relate to.” He singled out ‘Starfuckers’ especially, “seeing as how I got yammer-frammered by those jive-turkey Muppet Show people.”

“I ever see that goddamn frog and his side of bacon again, I’m gonna (unintelligible) him and (unintelligible) her with the mighty power of funk gone angry! Jive turkeys beware!”

With Teeth has not yet been given a glimmer of a release date. Reznor says that it will probably take him and Dr. Teeth another five years to “redo everything I already fucked up.”

Having to wait until 2010 or later did not stop his millions of vaguely industrial-gothic fans from proclaiming the news to be akin to the second coming of Christ, whom they don’t believe in, anyway.

“Trent Reznor is, like, my dark God of death, pain and relationships gone straight to Hell,” local fan Penny Schnifterbutt said when informed of the news: “I can’t wait to shake my cake to another dancefloor anthem with the dark power of ‘Closer.’”

She also said she plans to get another tattoo of Trent’s face on her over-ample behind to celebrate, but has to wait for her current crop of ass-acne to clear up.

(credits to CJ Tremlett for the idea. And before anyone complains too loudly, I am one of the millions.)ˇ

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Regrets Aplenty

It's official - in the words of Gabriel Byrne, from The Usual Suspects, "there is no coke on this boat."

We have given up looking for WMDs in Iraq. If they were ever there - and it looks like they never really were at all - they're not there now.

This Week - http://rant_farm.tripod.com/

After the 30th - http://rant_farm.tripod.com/050117.html


Saturday, January 15, 2005

North Korea Mandates Haircuts, T-shirts, Nose-Piercings

(ANT) The mystery of why North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il had his portraits taken down from government offices across the reclusive country has been solved: he’s got a big, green and yellow mohawk, and wants his citizens to have one, too.

In a recent edict, on behalf of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, “Beloved Leader” Kim Jong-Il has mandated that all citizens of his country should adopt new, regulation haircuts “in order to better reflect the revolutionary zeal of our beloved country, and turn our back once and for all on weak and contemptible bourgeois attitudes.”

“Let no one say of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea that we are not 100% total punk fucking rock.”

The new rules, which go into effect immediately, require that all citizens either shave their heads, adopt short hair, dyed in one or more regulation colors, or grow it out into mohawks, spikes or one of several, other government-approved “radical” hairstyles.

The latter may be dyed, if citizens so desire, so long as the haircuts are not more colorful than that of their “dear leader,” Kim Jong-Il.

Citizens are also expected to wear pre-torn “punk” t-shirts, from a selection of bands that Kim Jong-Il happens to like, such as Black Flag, the Dead Kennedys, The Cramps and The Damned. The wearing of safety-pins in their noses and cheeks is also mandated for “the total punk fucking rock effect, which will instill fear in all enemies of the peace-loving people of our beloved country.”

According to the edict, North Koreans are expected to be “self-reliant,” and procure the required apparel themselves. They can buy them from markets, but are being encouraged to make them from whatever they can scrounge around their households.

Anyone who fails to conform to the state-mandated look of punk fucking rock will be shot.

This latest change in demeanor for the normally-conservative country comes as reports of almost 90% of the population having starved to death are reaching Western media sources. However, the state-run news agency for the DPRK says this is “nonsense.”

“Our bountiful fields are overflowing with rice, our brave soldiers are an invincible force, our patriotic people are happy, and everyone is slamdancing together,” according to the latest government report.


Friday, January 14, 2005

America to Import Drugs, “Mafia” to Iraq

“Part of the Total Democracy Package” Says Rumsfeld

(ANT) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has confirmed that America will not only be training the Iraqi people to form Salvadorian-style “Hit squads,” but will also be helping the fledgling democracy to develop its own organized crime as well.

“We in America have counted on the Mafia to act in tandem with our law enforcement and intelligence branches of our Government for the better part of the 20th century,” Rumsfeld told reporters yesterday: “This arrangement has been so successful for us that it would be a bad idea to not give it to Iraq as well.”

“Organized crime in America provides jobs, stability, neighborhood protection and an outlet for socially-unacceptable relaxation activities. It also provides us with extraordinary intelligence, emergency muscle and a separate economy that’s independent from Wall Street.”

“Hell, if it wasn’t for the Mob, our country’s infrastructure would have imploded decades ago.”

Part of the plan calls for setting up a “pipeline” of illegal drugs, guns, “hardcore” pornography and prostitutes, going from Afghanistan right into Iraq. The transportation will be handled by Air America, Tiger Transit and other CIA front companies.

“But we plan to have various Iraqi entrepreneurs lined up to handle it well before any of that stuff actually reaches the country,” Rumsfeld said.

He declined, however, to give an exact timetable.

In response to questioning, Rumsfeld admitted that, under Saddam Hussein, there was a “Mafia of sorts,” but he dismissed it as “patently inferior to our own.”

“In order for organized crime to work, and to have a good working relationship with the government, they must be seen to be separate bodies. In Iraq, with Saddam Hussein, you had a government that was organized crime, and everyone knew it. So it just didn’t have the same impact as our imported one will.”

Rumsfeld confirmed that, in preparation for the plan, the US Army is training “the right people” to drive in long black cars, fire tommyguns, speak Italian and fill oil barrels with cement. When asked where the oil barrels would be dumped, given the relative scarcity of deep water in a desert country, he said he “didn’t want to get bogged-down in micromanagement.”

“The important thing, here, is that soon the Iraqi people will be able to enjoy more of the comforts of a stable Democracy,” he said: “They will able to pay to be watched out for, have someone to go to for favors and emergency cash loans, and purchase alcohol, hard drugs and illicit sex from discreet sources.”

“And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go sleep with the fishes.”

(work of satire. not to be taken seriously)t

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Armstrong Williams Clarifies Endorsement Costs

(ANT) Under fire for taking money to “promote” the No Child’s Behind Left Alone Act, conservative commentator Armstrong Williams has acted to “clarify the real issue,” as he sees it: how much he actually costs.

“I apologize for any misunderstanding that may have been caused,” he told reporters yesterday at a press conference called to explain the issue.

“The question has never been ‘is Armstrong Williams for sale?’ Everyone’s for sale in this business. The real question is how much Armstrong Williams costs, and to whom I will sell my services.”

In order to help “facilitate a better understanding of the process,” Mr. Williams revealed a chart that laid out the cost of his services. Prices ranged from $20, for “a moment of my time,” to $50,000, for his “unswerving and total commitment to your cause for 365 days.”

Other services listed were “A sympathetic ear,” for $50, “name-dropping for a month,” for $200, and “pointed mention on my show,” for $1000.

“Buying Armstrong Williams doesn’t just buy you some hired mouth you can put in front of a camera once or twice, and then have to shoo off like a crackhead trying to get a welfare check,” Mr. Williams elaborated: “My services go all the way, every day.”

“You get me in my columns, you get me on my TV show. You even get me on someone else’s TV show. In fact, any time I’ve got a chance to speak to young minds, or old ones, I will push your needs out into the marketplace of ideas.”

“And, as with most things, if you are not satisfied with the level of service you have received from Armstrong Williams, your money will be refunded in full. Guaranteed!”

However, Mr. Williams made it clear that he wasn’t for sale to all bidders.

“I will not be sold to just anyone. If you don’t share my worldview, I won’t help you sell yours. And I, as an upstanding and moral American, stand for an upstanding, more moral America.”

That done, Mr. Williams revealed that he was “pleased to be going all the way” on behalf of disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and spent fifteen minutes promoting Gingrich’s new book, Everyone Bangs Their Interns, Dammit, to the assembled reporting pool.

(This column is a work of satire, and should not be taken seriously, literally or internally. See your doctor if symptoms persist.)

President Declares "War on Nature" over Tsunami Attack

(ANT) Shocked and horrified at the "unprovoked attack" on more than 150,000 people in countries he had trouble finding on a map, President Bush announced that America would now be embarking on a "War on Nature."

"We simply cannot allow the loss of countless lives to the evil, freed om-hating forces of nature," he announced at a solemn ceremony in the Rose Garden, yesterday.

"Whether they attack us by toonami or earthquake, we will stand firm, and refuse to be moved."

The President has asked for bipartisan support of various emergency measures, such as leveling the Redwood Forests, turning the Gulf Stream Waters into oil-laden muck, paving over anything that can't be converted to farmland and dumping DDT "from sea to shining sea."

Also unveiled was the assembly of a "Coalition of the Drilling": representatives of other countries who would help America enforce a "zero tolerance" policy on regimes that "look the other way on responsible ecological practices, energy conservation and other crazy, freedom-hating stuff like that."

The Kyoto Accord was singled out in particular, with President Bush issuing a dire warning to the "Axis of Non-Polluters."

"We know who you are, and we will deal with you, one dead dolphin at a time."

Critics of the Administration were quick to ask why the event was not foreseen. Press Director Mike Handpuppet countered that the Bush White House had made "making it difficult for Mother Earth" an early priority.

"We've been trying to get the Congress to sign off on punitive measures against this threat sinc e 2000, but anti-American obstruction on the part of the Democrats has made this difficult."

"I mean, how many times have we tried to drill for oil in Alaska, for pete's sake?"

Critics also wondered why it took the President more than half a month to respond to the attacks. There was no answer forthcoming, but sources close to the President revealed that he had to be coached on what happened, where it happened, why it was important and how to pronounce words like "tsunami."r

Malkin and Pipes 'Turning Japanese' over Internment

As a self-described mean-spirited crank, I have a certain love/hate relationship with so-called "Revisionist history." It's great for laughs, and provides hours of amusement at the authors' expense. But, while often laughable, the act of rewriting well-established history can't be entirely dismissed as antinomian masturbation: history is rarely as open and shut as pop historians would like us to believe.

This week: http://rant_farm.tripod.com

Next Week: http://rant_farm.tripod.com/050110.html

Sunday, January 02, 2005

"We Didn't Read the rANT Farm..."

So here is something of a "year in review" column, sung vaguely to the cadence - if not the exact tune - of Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' ... If you haven't been reading the rANT Farm, you can start your musical journey here, remembering the year what was...

This week - http://rant_farm.tripod.com

Next week - http://rant_farm.tripod.com/050103.html