Tuesday, January 11, 2005

President Declares "War on Nature" over Tsunami Attack

(ANT) Shocked and horrified at the "unprovoked attack" on more than 150,000 people in countries he had trouble finding on a map, President Bush announced that America would now be embarking on a "War on Nature."

"We simply cannot allow the loss of countless lives to the evil, freed om-hating forces of nature," he announced at a solemn ceremony in the Rose Garden, yesterday.

"Whether they attack us by toonami or earthquake, we will stand firm, and refuse to be moved."

The President has asked for bipartisan support of various emergency measures, such as leveling the Redwood Forests, turning the Gulf Stream Waters into oil-laden muck, paving over anything that can't be converted to farmland and dumping DDT "from sea to shining sea."

Also unveiled was the assembly of a "Coalition of the Drilling": representatives of other countries who would help America enforce a "zero tolerance" policy on regimes that "look the other way on responsible ecological practices, energy conservation and other crazy, freedom-hating stuff like that."

The Kyoto Accord was singled out in particular, with President Bush issuing a dire warning to the "Axis of Non-Polluters."

"We know who you are, and we will deal with you, one dead dolphin at a time."

Critics of the Administration were quick to ask why the event was not foreseen. Press Director Mike Handpuppet countered that the Bush White House had made "making it difficult for Mother Earth" an early priority.

"We've been trying to get the Congress to sign off on punitive measures against this threat sinc e 2000, but anti-American obstruction on the part of the Democrats has made this difficult."

"I mean, how many times have we tried to drill for oil in Alaska, for pete's sake?"

Critics also wondered why it took the President more than half a month to respond to the attacks. There was no answer forthcoming, but sources close to the President revealed that he had to be coached on what happened, where it happened, why it was important and how to pronounce words like "tsunami."r


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