Nine Inch Nails - Now "With Teeth"

The world of disaffected agnostic losers worldwide was “seriously rocked” by amazing news from Trent Reznor’s official website: not only has the forthcoming Nine Inch Nails CD been given a name, but legendary Muppet funkmeister Dr. Teeth has been brought on board “to give this CD some real bite.”

“I’m really excited to be working with Dr. Teeth,” Reznor told his fans, via the announcement on his site: “I’ve been a major fan of his all my life, and he apparently loves me as much as I love him.”

“He doesn’t love me as much as I love me, of course, but hopefully he doesn’t hate me as much as I do, either.”

The new CD, appropriately entitled With Teeth, will be the first real, all-new release from Nine Inch Nails since The Fragile, which came out so long ago that rumors of Mr. Reznor having died, winding up at the Betty Ford Clinic or chucking it all in for a job at Hot Topic had started to make the rounds once more.

“Ya’ll can stop that jive talk, now,” Dr. Teeth commented: “My man Trent’s a real man of funk. He’s got funk in his head! He’s got funk in his shoes! He got so much funk he don’t know what to do with it!”

He then made 5.6 seconds of wild, unintelligible gibberish, punctuated with a loud “Yeah!”

How the two legendary musicians came to be working together was explained by a somewhat reticent Reznor: “See, the new CD was just going nowhere. I’d done... God, six years of demo tracks and they all sucked serious ass. I was really seriously contemplating suicide, but that wasn’t helping either.”

“And then, late one night, I’m watching a rerun of the Muppet Show, and there’s Dr. Teeth laying down a groove I just had to sample. So I had my people call him, directly, since he doesn’t have any people anymore. And we got to talking, and next thing I know, he sort of moved onto one of my couches, and the collaboration’s been nothing short of amazing.”

Dr. Teeth said something that may have been a confirmation of the story, but could not be deciphered by this reporter.

Dr. Teeth has had some tough times since he lost the gig on the Muppet Show. His band put out one record before breaking up, and his subsequent divorce from Janice caused him to “go seriously and (unintelligible)ly astray from the path of good, righteous funk.”

He attributes naming his one and only solo record Bitch Better Have My Funk to the bitterness he felt inside - bitterness that wasn’t helped by his “funktastic binge of drugs.” In fact, he had to have the foam in his nose replaced several times due to heavy abuse of cocaine.

“But those days, those days, those funkless days are gone!” he announced: “Amen!”

“Yeah,” Reznor added, cracking a smile without much warmth.

The collaboration has already borne fruit in the form of Dr. Teeth doing his own, unique versions of ‘Ringfinger’ and ‘Starfuckers Inc.’ - two songs he could “personally relate to.” He singled out ‘Starfuckers’ especially, “seeing as how I got yammer-frammered by those jive-turkey Muppet Show people.”

“I ever see that goddamn frog and his side of bacon again, I’m gonna (unintelligible) him and (unintelligible) her with the mighty power of funk gone angry! Jive turkeys beware!”

With Teeth has not yet been given a glimmer of a release date. Reznor says that it will probably take him and Dr. Teeth another five years to “redo everything I already fucked up.”

Having to wait until 2010 or later did not stop his millions of vaguely industrial-gothic fans from proclaiming the news to be akin to the second coming of Christ, whom they don’t believe in, anyway.

“Trent Reznor is, like, my dark God of death, pain and relationships gone straight to Hell,” local fan Penny Schnifterbutt said when informed of the news: “I can’t wait to shake my cake to another dancefloor anthem with the dark power of ‘Closer.’”

She also said she plans to get another tattoo of Trent’s face on her over-ample behind to celebrate, but has to wait for her current crop of ass-acne to clear up.


(credits to CJ Tremlett for the idea. And before anyone complains too loudly, I am one of the millions.)ˇ