Monday, February 07, 2005

Captured GI-Joe "Died Like a Total Wimp"

Recently-discovered videotapes taken by his Islamic Jihad Iraq captors show that GI-Joe Operative “Flashbang” - Charles H. Fleebisch of Canton, Ohio - behaved like a “total wimp” before his captors killed him, last week.

“I’m shocked to see that a member of America’s finest anti-terrorist organization broke down and cried like a little kid with a skinned knee,” Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said at a press conference called to discuss the tapes: “And I’m even more shocked to see that he offered them sensitive information, and sexual favors with his teammates, in an attempt to plead for his life.”

“It’s a good thing his captors apparently didn’t speak English, or we might have been in a real pickle, right there.”

Mr. Fleebisch was captured by the enemy following an abortive night-raid on Mosul. Five members of the insertion team were badly wounded by undetected mines, and he was “lost in the confusion.”

It is believed that the insurgents turned Mr. Fleebisch over to the IJI, rather than holding him themselves, as they were afraid that GI-Joe would be tracking their captive.

During his week-long captivity, Fleebisch was videotaped tied up with a gun to his head (see picture, above), and giving an obviously-forced speech praising the IJI and denouncing the American-led invasion of Iraq. These two, previously-released videotapes showed him in possession of what appeared to be typical GI-Joe bravery in the face of certain death.

Unknown to him, however, Fleebisch was videotaped the rest of the time, too. The purpose of these clandestine tapes is not yet known, but they caught him behaving “like a total pussy,” as Secretary Rumsfeld put it.

The new tapes show Fleebisch in tears, begging his captors to spare his life. He offers to give their leaders “important and secret” information on GI-Joe troop movements, and lead them to arms caches.

When that fails, he offers to “hook (them) up” with some of the “hottest” members of the team, too. And when that doesn’t work - most likely due to miscommunication - he offers himself for sex, instead, miming a blowjob.

Pentagon translators said that his captors laugh and “wonder why he’s pretending to be a fish.”

Fleebisch also offers to convert to Islam at least three times, but is smacked in the temple with a rifle butt in reply. Pentagon experts believe his captors mistook these overtures for insults to their religion.

After a week of increasingly-pathetic whining, pleading and begging for his life, Fleebisch is at last beheaded by hooded and masked members of the IJI. Footage of his bloody, gory and loud death has been released to the public, but the two days leading up to it have been classified - supposedly due to the highly-secret information he was rattling off.

However, an anonymous source from within GI-Joe said that the censorship is mostly due to the “utter shamelessness” of Fleebisch’s groveling.

“I mean, if you saw that, you would just want to jump into the TV set, grab the gun from one of those freaks and shoot (Fleebisch) yourself,” the source said: “By the end he wasn’t a member of GI-Joe, anymore. He was whining worse than a dog with its nuts caught in the catflap.”

Rumsfeld declined to comment on whether such breakdowns in discipline were commonplace in GI-Joe, saying only that “sometimes people lose it.”

“I’d love to see how you liberal media pansies would have handled yourselves in his place, anyway.”

The GI-Joe Team source was a little more specific in his criticism of “Flashbang,” who had only been a member for six months.

“I always thought (Fleebisch) was a little green for the team, but we needed a door-to-door raid specialist badly, and he looked like he fit the bill,” the source elaborated: “It’s only now that we find out the little runt had only ever seen action kicking down pot farms in Southern Ohio.”

“No wonder he wimped out - the worst thing he’d had aimed in his face before hitting the sand was a day-glo bong.”

Mr Fleebisch’s wife, whom he also offered the use of to his captors, declined to comment on her husband’s fall from butch, all-American manhood.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Score None for Diplomacy

After a first term in office that can only be described in aggregate as "poor" - in spite of a few moments of excellence - and a squeak-through victory to his second term, George W. Bush is doomed.

This week -

Next week -