Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why Liberalism is Bad For You: Charles Barkley

Yes, it's official: becoming Liberal will mess you up.

Remember Charles Barkley? Remember how, back when he was famous for playing b-ball, he went out of his way to rub our noses in the fact that he was a Black Conservative? Remember how he hung out and did lunch with Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas? Remember how he said if he was in charge of things there wouldn't be "death row," there'd be "death week?"

Well... I guess some time off the court and hanging with the media elite has turned our favorite Black Conservative into something else. First he gets on CNN, calls conservatives "fake Christians" and says he's voting for Obama.

Every time I hear the word “conservative,” it makes me sick to my stomach, because they’re really just fake Christians, as I call them. That’s all they are. But I just — I’m going to vote Democratic no matter what.

And now? After being caught driving drunk (not a uniquely liberal sin, as Mel Gibson could tell you), we find out that he, like Gibson, said some pretty interesting things:

He had a blood-alcohol level of .149 percent, nearly twice the legal limit of .08 percent in Arizona when he was pulled over.

"I was gonna drive around the corner and get (oral sex)," Barkley told a police officer, according to the official police report. He explained that the girl had performed oral sex on him a week earlier, and it was the best such experience of his life.

Later, Barkley told a civilian Gilbert Police Department employee that he would "tattoo my name on your (butt)" if the employee would get him out of the DUI, according to the police report. Barkley then laughed and corrected himself, saying, "I'll tattoo your name on my (butt)," before laughing again, according to the report.

First he votes for Obama, then he can't stand to hear the word Conservative, and now he's driving drunk to get a blowjob AND wanting to tattoo police officers onto his ass? It seems the cycle is nearly complete.

I predict that, after he gets out of jail, Barkley's next big media coup will be to announce that he thinks the Mossad helped fake 9/11 in order to usher in the neo-con world order.

Thank you for your consideration - We will resume normal operations once I stop laughing.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Alan Keyes Goes Further off the Deep End

He calls Obama a Communist, complains about "infanticide," brings up the many-times-over-refuted claims about Obama not being a natural born citizen, and gets all huffy about banks, bailouts, and the person asking questions having a laugh (or so it seems).

He looks even worse without his beard.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Go Virg! Lansing Mayor Trashes Fox Talking Head

This is amazing. I don't know that Virg really answered the questions put to him, but he probably knew where the conversation was going to go, given that it was Fox "News," and just cut to the chase ahead of schedule. The Fox anchor's facial expressions are priceless, and his sign-off from the interview is probably the most desperate I've ever seen. Talk about bringing a paper flower to a gunfight!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Coulter on SNL. Kinda.

"... but I will still be here, reverted to my original form of man-serpent."


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why I'm Writing a Fake Memoir

So, I've got this idea for a novel...

It's about a three-headed transsexual self-made cyborg with a drug problem, abusive parents and a gnostic - read "suicidal" - large intestine with a mind of its own. The intestine is the sort of rogue organ that manufactures poison gas and tries to kill its owner - herewith referred to as "the fallen world" - in the hopes of escaping the fallen world, sadly unaware of the fact that it's an organ in the body with a mind of HIR own.

But oh no, gotta get out of that fallen world, one way or the other. So it's florescent green poison gas farts all night long, and into the day, while the poor self-made cyborg toils to find a way to replace hir rogue organ, and wonders how long the filters in hir cybernetic lungs are going to hold out.

Oh, and did we mention hir parents are trying to kill hir, two of the heads hate one another, hir boyfriend's a light-skinned black man who wants to join the American Nazi Party, hir girlfriend thinks she's a tuna fish sandwich, and they're having a secret affair behind our protagonist's back... AND stealing hir f$%king heroin?

Pretty cracking stuff, if I do say so myself.

It's about halfway done as of last night, and I'm committed to about fifty pages a day, rewriting on the fly. And I am very, very confident that, once "Butternutz G. Gobsnatch: I Against My Large Intestine (or) Where The Hell Are My Replacement Lungs?" gets in print, it's going to rewrite the science fiction genre for once and for all.

But there's just one problem: I'm having a tough time getting it into print, as it seems no one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole.

I mean, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've sent it out to a dozen prospective publishers, one after the other, but they kept telling me the same thing. In fact, here's their letters mashed up into a singularity:

"Dear Prospective Author:

"Thank you for sending us the first three chapters of your novel. However, we're going to have to take a pass, as our market research shows that people really aren't interested in train of thought, second person cyberpunk novels, even if they have really unique characters with interesting backgrounds, such as yours does. We wish you luck in your writing.

"Sincerely yours - Spineless Jerk-off Who Should Be Mopping Floors, Not Reading Manuscripts"

Needless to say, I'm not very happy thus far. I thought, given the usual crap that gets pushed on people via mass market editions, that someone - ANYONE - would take a chance with a new author with a, though I say it myself, unique story to tell.

So I tried something different. I changed it from second person to first person, added in some spotty flashbacks and changed the opening a little. Then I rechristened it "My Large Intestine Hates Me and My Replacement Lungs Won't Work," and sent it around to a different set of publishers... as a memoir.

I sent it off to four folks at once. I got mail back within a week from each in turn, singing its praises and wanting to talk initial contracts, publicity tours and follow-ups. One of them even wanted to get my purported boyfriend and girlfriend to come along for the ride, and was willing to put up the dough for any damage my large intestine might cause the hotel rooms!

I even got mail from Oprah. It arrived in a big, purple letter. The return address just said O and her face was all the stamp it needed to arrive.

"Dear Butternutz:

"Honey, I just read your memoir, and I feel your pain. Why, just recently my digestive system was conspiring against me! If it wasn't for the three times a week heavy-duty colonics I'd probably be dead.

"Anyway, enough about me! I WANT YOU ON MY SHOW, AND I WANT YOUR BOOK ON MY BOOK CLUB. I think you have a uniquely human and American story to tell, and my audience needs to know all about your life struggle, honey.

"Please, in the name of my ratings and my sanity, hurry up and finish this book. I'm stretching this 'New Earth' poop out as long as I can, but ten weeks is only ten weeks. And after that... I can only strip-mine the fiction and new-age sections of my local Borders for so long.

"I NEED A NEW MUSE! And you, my friend, are it.

"Yours 4-ever


"ps: you have a new car. It's parked outside. I had them put special butt-buffers in the seats so your intestines won't kill your passengers."

Sure enough, it was big and purple and parked outside, key in steering wheel.

With the Gods as my witnesses, I don't know what to do.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

How I feel about 9/11 Truthers

When it comes to the subject of most 9/11 "Truthers" I have had to deal with, I think this installment from "Garfield Minus Garfield" sums it up perfectly

(That's them imagining the party behind them, by the way.)

I mean, come on. Please. How many times do the facts about what happened on that day have to be dangled in front of your noses before you finally bite? How many lies can you invent to avoid admitting that a group of militant Muslims did it, on their own, without any backing or foreknowledge from America?

We're not just talking about one small, insular action that could have been pulled off by a small group of people and kept secret for a few years. We're talking about something that would require masses of people to have been in on the gag - way too many to silence, or kill, without anyone noticing. Way to many to monitor.

Someone would have blabbed by now. Someone would have had a guilty conscience. Where is that person?

Monday, February 02, 2009

David Duke to Break Toys and Go Nowhere

Poor, poor David Duke. When he heard that Michael Steele, a black man, was now head of the GOP, he had a little whoopsie in his pants:

The Republican Party leadership in its latest act of self-immolation appointed, Michael Steele, a radical Black racist as the leader of the Party.


I am glad these traitorous leaders of the Republican Party appointed this Black racist, affirmative action advocate to the head of the Republican party because this will lead to a huge revolt among the Republican base. As a former Republican official, I can tell you that millions of rank-and-file Republicans are mad as hell and aren’t going to take it anymore! We will either take the Republican Party back over the next four years or we will say, “To Hell With the Republican Party!” And we will take 90 percent of Republicans with us into a New Party that will take its current place!

I think the insanity of nominating “Mr. Amnesty” John McCain and now this Black racist — will lead to insurgency in the Republican ranks, and a lot of dissidents getting elected in Republican Party primaries around the country. This will result over the next four years a real move by millions of Republicans to take the party back to the populist issues that are not only right but can win for the Republican Party. ... The time as come for Republican Party to stand up to Obama and defend American heritage, rights, and freedom!

Well, at least he got the script right, lest we forget that his buddies in the BNP called Obama a "racist," too.

But "Obama Junior," he calls Steele? Not so fast. Check out his record, and tell me if this sounds like Obama.

At any rate, it's amusing to hear Duke think that 90% of the Republican Party agrees with what he's selling these days. I'm glad to see that, thanks to the internet, he can at last be honest (mostly) about his views and not hide them behind veiled references or double-speak, but at the same time any hopes he had of appearing remotely electable are long since over and done with. And thank the Gods for that.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

You want change? You ARE change. Make yourself happen.

So Rush Limbaugh wants Obama to fail. How very nice of him. At last he has come full circle by admitting that what he accused the Democrats of doing for the last eight years is his sin to bear as well - namely, wanting the other side to fail so that his own can put things right, even if it makes America's current situation even worse than it already is. It's not like HE'S worried about how to pay his bills, after all.

President Obama has been in office less than a month and has 8+ years of messes and mistakes to try and clean up. Mistakes and messes are going to be made in the effort, but we have yet to receive any clear indication that we were played for chumps by a lying sack of crap. Why can't people give him a little room to maneuver and learn what he has to do?

Oh, that's right - because we all expected him to fix things right away, didn't we? Well, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us. And people who DIDN'T want him in there are calling us on it, wondering when he's going to walk on water, balance the budget and bring us OBL's head on a plate.

Well, welcome to Planet Motherfucker, Binky - That was never going to happen. It didn't happen when Clinton came in. It didn't happen when Bush replaced him. It didn't even happen for Reagan.

So stop selling the fantasy and deal with the reality. And the reality is this: governments don't fix things, their own people do.

Governments can help, but in the end they can only provide opportunities and change rules. It's the people who have to take them, or take advantage of them.

And if they don't, who will?

You want change, America? Then stop whining about how things are or trying to affix the blame for what was, what is or what will be – remake the situation yourself. Stop sitting on your asses waiting for aid or a handout – get off your asses and make change happen from the ground up.

Don't volunteer unless you're well off enough to afford to - get a second job (or A job, some of you college people) and do something to make the money flow.

Buy and sell. Find new things to sell and new ways to buy. Sell the crap you don't need and buy things that you do need.

Drive responsibly. Live at your means, not below or above them. Don't sell all your stock but don't hoard your gold, either. Take some small risks and see what happens.

Don't tolerate commies taking your money, but don't tolerate capitalists taking it either. Demand value and service for money.

If you need bread, steal. If you have bread, sell. If you see someone who needs to steal the bread you're selling, let them have a little if it's a case of genuine need.

(If they're trying to boost your $100 copy of Absolute Sandman from your store, however, break their hands.)

Try to make a fiver off the books every day, somehow, and spend it gleefully because no one knows it's there but you. That's $155 a month the IRS didn't see. What will you do with it?

I firmly believe that President Obama has our backs up at the top. But he needs us to have his back down at the bottom or nothing good is going to happen, here. That's the way it's ALWAYS worked, folks, and anyone who's telling you otherwise has an 'ism' to sell you.

Make yourself happen.