Saturday, January 15, 2005

North Korea Mandates Haircuts, T-shirts, Nose-Piercings

(ANT) The mystery of why North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il had his portraits taken down from government offices across the reclusive country has been solved: he’s got a big, green and yellow mohawk, and wants his citizens to have one, too.

In a recent edict, on behalf of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, “Beloved Leader” Kim Jong-Il has mandated that all citizens of his country should adopt new, regulation haircuts “in order to better reflect the revolutionary zeal of our beloved country, and turn our back once and for all on weak and contemptible bourgeois attitudes.”

“Let no one say of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea that we are not 100% total punk fucking rock.”

The new rules, which go into effect immediately, require that all citizens either shave their heads, adopt short hair, dyed in one or more regulation colors, or grow it out into mohawks, spikes or one of several, other government-approved “radical” hairstyles.

The latter may be dyed, if citizens so desire, so long as the haircuts are not more colorful than that of their “dear leader,” Kim Jong-Il.

Citizens are also expected to wear pre-torn “punk” t-shirts, from a selection of bands that Kim Jong-Il happens to like, such as Black Flag, the Dead Kennedys, The Cramps and The Damned. The wearing of safety-pins in their noses and cheeks is also mandated for “the total punk fucking rock effect, which will instill fear in all enemies of the peace-loving people of our beloved country.”

According to the edict, North Koreans are expected to be “self-reliant,” and procure the required apparel themselves. They can buy them from markets, but are being encouraged to make them from whatever they can scrounge around their households.

Anyone who fails to conform to the state-mandated look of punk fucking rock will be shot.

This latest change in demeanor for the normally-conservative country comes as reports of almost 90% of the population having starved to death are reaching Western media sources. However, the state-run news agency for the DPRK says this is “nonsense.”

“Our bountiful fields are overflowing with rice, our brave soldiers are an invincible force, our patriotic people are happy, and everyone is slamdancing together,” according to the latest government report.



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