America to Import Drugs, “Mafia” to Iraq

“Part of the Total Democracy Package” Says Rumsfeld


(ANT) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has confirmed that America will not only be training the Iraqi people to form Salvadorian-style “Hit squads,” but will also be helping the fledgling democracy to develop its own organized crime as well.

“We in America have counted on the Mafia to act in tandem with our law enforcement and intelligence branches of our Government for the better part of the 20th century,” Rumsfeld told reporters yesterday: “This arrangement has been so successful for us that it would be a bad idea to not give it to Iraq as well.”

“Organized crime in America provides jobs, stability, neighborhood protection and an outlet for socially-unacceptable relaxation activities. It also provides us with extraordinary intelligence, emergency muscle and a separate economy that’s independent from Wall Street.”

“Hell, if it wasn’t for the Mob, our country’s infrastructure would have imploded decades ago.”

Part of the plan calls for setting up a “pipeline” of illegal drugs, guns, “hardcore” pornography and prostitutes, going from Afghanistan right into Iraq. The transportation will be handled by Air America, Tiger Transit and other CIA front companies.

“But we plan to have various Iraqi entrepreneurs lined up to handle it well before any of that stuff actually reaches the country,” Rumsfeld said.

He declined, however, to give an exact timetable.

In response to questioning, Rumsfeld admitted that, under Saddam Hussein, there was a “Mafia of sorts,” but he dismissed it as “patently inferior to our own.”

“In order for organized crime to work, and to have a good working relationship with the government, they must be seen to be separate bodies. In Iraq, with Saddam Hussein, you had a government that was organized crime, and everyone knew it. So it just didn’t have the same impact as our imported one will.”

Rumsfeld confirmed that, in preparation for the plan, the US Army is training “the right people” to drive in long black cars, fire tommyguns, speak Italian and fill oil barrels with cement. When asked where the oil barrels would be dumped, given the relative scarcity of deep water in a desert country, he said he “didn’t want to get bogged-down in micromanagement.”

“The important thing, here, is that soon the Iraqi people will be able to enjoy more of the comforts of a stable Democracy,” he said: “They will able to pay to be watched out for, have someone to go to for favors and emergency cash loans, and purchase alcohol, hard drugs and illicit sex from discreet sources.”

“And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go sleep with the fishes.”

(work of satire. not to be taken seriously)t