Saturday, May 29, 2010

Birthermail - 5/30/10


I read your article on OpenEdNews, and you really have no clue about the Obama Birth Certificate issue. You are either ignorant, in denial, or maybe both, I'm not sure. But you really should get the facts before you just start calling everyone a liar. Just for starters, it appears you do not even understand the difference between and Certificate of Live Birth, and a Certification of Live Birth. You should probably start there to get a better understanding of the issue.


Dear Mr. (Name Goes Here)

Thank you very much for your submission to our magazine, entitled "I AM A BIRTHER-BOT." However, we feel it is simply not something that fits our criteria. You may want to look at our submission guidelines once again, and then either change the manuscript and resubmit it, or else submit something else.

You see, what we're really looking for here is _originality_. The same old tired arguments that really go nowhere and have been either refuted time and again, or else really don't matter worth the farting of an ant (if you'll excuse the phrase) aren't worth enshrining in our pages. They make great dartboards, but we're usually too busy to play in the workplace. And that just leaves "birdcage liner," which is useful, but not worth giving a byline to.

Also - and this is a personal note - It's not a good idea to threaten to shave an editor's parakeet for Thor if they don't accept your manuscript. Not only is it not really possible to shave a parakeet in the first place, but I have it on good authority that Thor really doesn't appreciate that sort of thing. In fact I think he hates it with the power of a thousand burning suns, or some such. He's not very coherent when he's drunk and playing darts.

Good luck in your future endeavors!



Birther King Fails

Oh, the humanity! We were told that Andy Martin - "Birther King" - had the goods on President Obama, but all he seems to have had was the opportunity to waste our time. Is truth in advertising too much to ask?

In what can only be described as a sorry exercise in false advertising, Andy Martin - "birther king," rejected Republican, vexatious litigant, and noxious judeophobe - failed to deliver a promised "unique insight" into why President Barack Obama is ineligible for his office. The only thing Martin seems to have done is proven, yet again, that bad publicity is self-propelling.

As if to foreshadow the fail to come, Andy was two hours late to his own press conference*, which took place on the public sidewalk in front of the FDR station in New York. Our friends at Oh For Goodness Sake suggested that this location was chosen so he could claim he had lots of attendees, even if they were just passing by to catch the train and stopped to see what the fuss was about.

And what did Andy Martin have to say? Well, according to him, Barack Obama is ineligible to be President because... (drum roll please) his father was an African national, and therefore not an American citizen, and since one apparently needs citizen parentS to be a Natural Born Citizen, Barack Obama cannot be a Natural Born Citizen, and therefore cannot be eligible for the Presidency!

(Taa-DAA! Big smile. Chirping crickets.)

Yeah, that was really it. That was his much-ballyhooed "legal opinion," which his "research team" spent all this time helping him develop.

Maybe he could have saved himself some time and just called other Birthers who've said almost the exact same thing? Except that they'd probably want to share the spotlight with him, and could probably tell him that - in all candor - no one outside of the Birthers thinks that theory holds any water. In fact it's been kiboshed fairly handily.

So the only really unique things in this "blockbuster" were his trying to nose his way into the Lakin affair (and failing to address the de facto officer issue), and the stunning admission that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong about the President's origins.

"Ironically, I have advanced the theory that Obama’s real, or biological, father is Frank Marshall Davis. If my theory is correct, and only if my theory is correct, is Obama actually an NBC. Davis was indisputably an American citizen."

So if he's wrong, he's right, but if he's right, he's wrong. Long have I waited to see such gleefully unaware self-mockery.

And then, at the end of his press release - after calling Barack Obama a "drive by President" - Martin has the nerve to ask that same President to take him into his confidence:

"Just as an aside, you might suggest to the president that he authorize me and other scholars to receive a copy of the 1961 Hawai'i birth certificate. That would help lift the cloud on his origins though not on his NBC status. Every little bit helps."

Uh huh. Yeah.

So no, there was no "blockbuster" hitting the Pentagon yesterday, as promised. Just another dud, lobbed by fellow whose only real claim to fame at this point is that he's wrongly famous for being rightly infamous.

* EDIT: An excellent question has been asked - do we even know if the Press Conference took place? It's been a couple days since he released this "blockbuster" of a turd and we have yet to see photos, follow-ups, or anyone else saying they were there. If an internet powerhouse falls, and no one is nearby, does he make a sound?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Birther King to Explain Obama's Ineligibility?

Hold onto your hats, folks! It looks like "Birther King" - really "doubter king" - Andy Martin has something to say! Really!

Andy Martin. Self-proclaimed internet powerhouse. "Birther King." Rumor Monger. Serial vexatious litigationist. Unwelcome Republican. Notorious Judeophobe.

And the man who's going to bring down the Obama Administration?

According to a piece up at, Andy Martin is going to hold a press conference on May 26th to explain - hopefully in some detail - how President Obama is ineligible to hold office. Apparently, the evidence he's going to present came directly from Obama's own lips!

The Birther Chronicles Part Three: Internet Powerhouse Andy Martin will state that Barack Obama is not eligible to be president and comment on the case of Lt. Col. Terry Lakin

Martin says that his research team has canvassed the law and is prepared to issue a definitive analysis and opinion concerning Obama’s eligibility


“During the past six years that I have studied Barack Obama the ‘natural born citizen’ issue has risen to paramount importance. Previously I have not expressed a definitive opinion. On Wednesday I will do so.

“My conclusion is that Barack Obama is not constitutionally eligible, by his own admission, to serve as president.

well blow me down! He wouldn't be the first to say this, of course, but he would be the first person to camp out in Hawai'i and try to force the state to give him access to Obama's birth records.

(He showed up on a furlough Friday, and therefore got no love)

I'm wondering what exactly he's going to say at this conference. What words has Obama said that lead Martin to think he's not eligible?

Is he taking the argument that his father's foreign citizenship leaked over onto Obama, when he's spread rumors about Obama's real father being someone else?

Is he going to push the "not born in Hawai'i" canard when he admits that he doesn't NOT think Obama was born there (though that hasn't stopped him from launching lawsuits against the state to see the documents in question).

Well, whatever it is, he claims it's going to be a "blockbuster" when it reaches the Pentagon. It'll probably help LTC Lakin out, too, though Martin's taking pains to let folks know that while he isn't with him in court, he's with him in spirit.

(Which is a good thing, as it seems poor Lakin could use a lot of help from the sidelines, given what a bozo his lawyer seems to be.)

So what sort of legal brilliance will Andy Martin stun us with tomorrow, and will it involve Jews? Tune in and see.

Tuesday Night Music - 5 25 10

Because they're crazy. Because this is off Kurt Cobain's favorite album. Because we can.

Butthole Surfers. BBQ Pope.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tuesday Night Music - 5 18 10

If you're like me, you were doubtlessly disappointed to hear that, after finally getting his act straight and putting out steady, good work for the first time in years, Trent Reznor was putting NIN on hold again.

However, his latest project - How to Destroy Angels - that he's doing with his wife, Mariqueen, is nothing less than phenomenal from what I've heard. Creepy, slithering electronic music with the raspy silk of her voice, rivaling some of the best slow beat work that NIN ever did.

This is worth waiting for new NIN for, quite frankly. This and the new Devo CD are making my summer come alive.

This song is "The Spaces Inbetween." I challenge you to listen to it only once.

Why I'm After the Birthers

Why the Birthers?

I have any number of other things I could talk about.

I could go on about how I'm starting to get disappointed - but not dismayed - by Obama. I could also go on about Republican stupidity, the Arizona immigration bill, our latest nominee for the Supreme Court (and Newty G's reaction to her), the BP oil spill, infuriating 9/11 truthers... lots of things.

But time and again I keep coming back to the Birthers. Why is that?

I think it's because it's probably the ultimate human interest story of our times.

We have a historic moment. For the first time in our country's history, a non-White has been elected President. The dream has been realized for many Americans on all sides of the color line. We should be celebrating that moment for the opportunity it provides.

But some people out there aren't celebrating. Instead they're doing everything they can to get him thrown out of office because *gasp* they don't think he's eligible.

This isn't the first time a President's eligibility was ever questioned, of course. It might not be the last, either.

But the subtext of the questions is what's of interest.

If you look at the history of Birtherism, you quickly discover that it has its genesis in the last, dying, and spiteful gasp of a Hillary Clinton campaign worker who, rather than swallow her pride and work to get a Democrat in office, called up Phil Berg - not exactly the most reputable fellow out there - and said "hey! How do you know Obama's eligible?" To which he replied "I smell a lawsuit!" (or words to that effect)

As we all know, that lawsuit went nowhere, other than down in flames. Berg's still out there, gearing up for another go, but he's not having any real luck. But he's got bonifides. He's a long-time Democratic operative. He's a decent guy, or so they say. He even sued George W. Bush et. al. for causing 9/11!

(Well, okay, let's not say too much about that last one...)

And then, some time later, like a zoonotic disease, the Birther plague jumps parties. Suddenly a seemingly-unhinged dentist-turned-lawyer named Orly Taitz is storming the courts and demanding to see evidence that the President is eligible.

Her inbuilt noise machine quickly takes her to the head of the pack - something Berg doesn't seem to have forgiven her for. And her willingness to trust known forgers, fake birth certificates, and any kind of crazy evidence she can get her hands on quickly makes her a laughing stock. "Let me finish!" has become a new punchline.

Of course, we're laughing. But we're kind of wincing on the inside, too. We're looking at poker players turned lawyers trying to tell us about Obama's parentage, and how our understanding of how the law works has been wroGn for the last century or so. We're wondering who the hell this de Vattel fellow is, and why people are clinging to him like a life vest in a tidal wave.

(And we're getting one heck of an education on citizenship along the way, too. But that happens any time some issue comes up. Someone says something that doesn't pass your smell test, and you check it out, and thus begins the argument of the Gods. Round and round 'till Ragnarok.)

Finally, we're getting a sad tally. Out of all the Birther cases brought so far, not a one has gone anywhere. Even this latest one - with LTC Lakin willing to destroy his career just to try and get discovery, and see that mythical Long Form (which doesn't exist, anymore) and prove he was right all along - is just going to be another massive disappointment to the Birthers.

And then? They will doubtlessly claim it's the result of pressure from up above. Political strings were pulled by evil, invisible hands. The Legion of Lies has struck again, and the Usurper is in the White House, laughing as he brings communist islamic fascism to the masses, while his Obot minions cheer his every misstep along the way...

"The horror! THE HORROR!"

So yes, this has everything. It has human credulity, stretched thin as taffy pulled by overeager youths. It has hope of doing the seemingly impossible by flinging oneself at the barricades enough times to break them down. It has wrong thinking, warped ethics, questionable rationales, and occasional - we hope - threads of racism, islamophobia, xenophobia, anti-communism, and the occasional Judeophobe claiming that AIPAC is pulling the strings on this one, too.

On a more person note, it has me along for the ride - knowing full well the train wreck can only go down one way, but unable to turn my head and look at something else. It's spellbinding, watching these people tilt at windmills. If only we could harness their energy and use it to power homes!

Why me? I think, all the above aside, it comes down to one moment in time. It comes down to a blog post I made to my live journal, celebrating the fact that Obama had won. Not more than 24 hours later, some anonymous jackass had posted the following (without asterisks)


And I wondered "who did that?" Was it one of my friends or family? Was it just some troll who went around spamming LJ posts? Was it a bot?

And I wondered "why did that happen to me?" What sort of stupid hate makes a person post racist crap like that on a complete stranger's personal LJ?

And then, some time later, as I realized that this sentiment - or perhaps more noble, less racist echoes of it - was being acted out by sore losers in courtrooms across the country, I realized that we may have come a long way, baby, but we still have a long, long way to go.

So yeah, I'm the anti-birther boi. I'm the watcher of the strange. I'm the one who scours the news and the blogs watching to see what Orly, Manning, Berg, Donofrio, Lakin, Keyes, and their hangers-on and cheering squads are up to, and then reports on it. "I am the one you warned me of."

And we'll all be here for some time to come, I fear. Just you, me, and the them.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Birther LTC Lakin’s Lawyer’s Lies


Once again, Lieutenant-Colonel Terrence Lakin is in the news, and not in a good way.

He and his lawyer, Paul Rolf “Otis” Jensen, were on Anderson Cooper’s 360 a little while ago. By any objective standard they made complete fools of themselves, which is a shame. But what’s interesting to note is how many whoppers Jensen was able to pack into an eight minute interview.

He drops the one about Hawai’i issuing birth certificates to people born outside the USA at 4:55, and when Anderson pointedly informs him that such certificates bear notice that the recipients were not born in Hawai’i, Jensen tries to play the “point to where it says that in the statute” game – ignoring that statutes don’t always, if ever, spell out how their paperwork’s to be filled out.

At 7:06 he claims that newspapers don’t get birth notices from the Department of Health, when, in fact, they do.

But the really sad one comes shortly thereafter, at 7:15, when he claims “this could be over tonight” if President Obama releases his birth certificate to their satisfaction. The truth is that, even if Obama had a long form to release, and did it, Lakin would still be facing a court martial for refusing to deploy. The BC does not give him the ability to travel back in time and stop himself from disobeying orders – it doesn’t even prove he was right to do so. The issue is whether he disobeyed a legal order, and, regardless of Obama’s place in the chain of command, “report for deployment” is a legal order.

If that’s what Jensen thinks can happen, then it’s clear that LTC Lakin was handed a very poor choice of lawyer. But it just goes to show – you get what you pay for.

So what happens next? LTC Lakin is scheduled to go to before a preliminary hearing on June 11th, according to this bulletin from Safeguard Our Constitution. And if you want a snapshot of just how out to lunch these people are, this is as good as any. Note how they say “…because the President refuses --even in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary-- to prove his eligibility under the Constitution to hold office.”

“Mounting evidence?” Since when? The only evidence that’s been mounting as to the President’s eligibility has been the proof that Birthers are willing to believe anything and anyone, as long as it reinforces their view that something hinky is going on. It’s a throwaway thought-stopper that could have come straight from World Net Daily, and, for all we know, it probably did.

(I was also amused to hear that “Assisting Jensen in his defense of Lakin is a very experienced senior member of the Army’s Judge Advocate General’s corps.” I thought that it would be the other way around, given my understanding of how Court Martials are supposed to work, but I could be wrong, there. That said, given that Jensen has been working mostly dog bite cases, I have a hard time imagining he’s going to pull a Tom Cruise on us.)

Luckily for Lakin, he’s got fans. Unfortunately, they tend to be people like Birther Alan Keyes, who’s had Birther Queen Orly Taitz as his attorney for a since-shot-down-in-flames lawsuit. You may remember that Taitz misunderstood a procedural matter and thought it meant the case was on the docket, whereas it was actually going to be dismissed, but Keyes foolishly took her word for it. Oops. (Still waiting on a retraction for that one!)

You can read Keyes’ defense of Lakin here, at Safeguard Our Constitution’s website. And then you can be very glad that Keyes has about as much chance of being elected President as I have of being elected the Bat King of Pago-Pago.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: LTC Lakin is doomed. He has thrown in his hat with the wrong crowd for a terrible reason wrapped with a thin layer of noble sentiment, and that is not going to save him when he has to explain himself in court.

Doc Conspiracy of Obama Conspiracy Theories – your one-stop shop for all the rumor debunking you can handle – may have put it best.

Birtherism is founded on lies just like (the hawai’I statute). It’s evil like this that put the fire in my belly to build this web site and keep it going. … Lakin himself came across as sincere but clueless. Somebody else is pulling his strings.

But whom? Anderson Cooper did point out that the American Patriot Foundation is using LTC Lakin to fundraise. How much is going to his defense and how much is going to them?

Is this just a money-making scam for them, and, if so, who will they prop up next to rake in the almighty buck?