Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Armstrong Williams Clarifies Endorsement Costs

(ANT) Under fire for taking money to “promote” the No Child’s Behind Left Alone Act, conservative commentator Armstrong Williams has acted to “clarify the real issue,” as he sees it: how much he actually costs.

“I apologize for any misunderstanding that may have been caused,” he told reporters yesterday at a press conference called to explain the issue.

“The question has never been ‘is Armstrong Williams for sale?’ Everyone’s for sale in this business. The real question is how much Armstrong Williams costs, and to whom I will sell my services.”

In order to help “facilitate a better understanding of the process,” Mr. Williams revealed a chart that laid out the cost of his services. Prices ranged from $20, for “a moment of my time,” to $50,000, for his “unswerving and total commitment to your cause for 365 days.”

Other services listed were “A sympathetic ear,” for $50, “name-dropping for a month,” for $200, and “pointed mention on my show,” for $1000.

“Buying Armstrong Williams doesn’t just buy you some hired mouth you can put in front of a camera once or twice, and then have to shoo off like a crackhead trying to get a welfare check,” Mr. Williams elaborated: “My services go all the way, every day.”

“You get me in my columns, you get me on my TV show. You even get me on someone else’s TV show. In fact, any time I’ve got a chance to speak to young minds, or old ones, I will push your needs out into the marketplace of ideas.”

“And, as with most things, if you are not satisfied with the level of service you have received from Armstrong Williams, your money will be refunded in full. Guaranteed!”

However, Mr. Williams made it clear that he wasn’t for sale to all bidders.

“I will not be sold to just anyone. If you don’t share my worldview, I won’t help you sell yours. And I, as an upstanding and moral American, stand for an upstanding, more moral America.”

That done, Mr. Williams revealed that he was “pleased to be going all the way” on behalf of disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and spent fifteen minutes promoting Gingrich’s new book, Everyone Bangs Their Interns, Dammit, to the assembled reporting pool.

(This column is a work of satire, and should not be taken seriously, literally or internally. See your doctor if symptoms persist.)


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