Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rival Bloggers Agree to Duel for “Months or Years”

Two “rival Bloggers” have formally agreed to argue back and forth with one another over every single point the other raises.

“We both realize that it’s, like, going to happen anyway, so we’ve decided to go ahead and make it a formal matter,” Mr. Jerry G. Gorebizinski, better known as InGOREland to his readers, said yesterday.

“See, this way, there’s no question that it’s going to happen,” Ms. Lisa Kruntsmucker, also known as Kaptain Krunt, agreed.

“It would kinda suck ass if, like, half the blogosphere came in expecting a fight about the need to kick butt in Iraq, and we were just, like, you know, talking about something else, like our favorite actors or something.”

According to a joint statement the two have released, they have agreed spend “however many months, or years” it takes until the loser “cries uncle, dumps his or her blog, and crawls under the bed in shame.”

The rivalry began several months ago, when the two bloggers, who are both admittedly “obsessed” with the War on Terror, began to fill one another’s comments boxes with critiques of one another’s comments.

“It started when I said that we were wrong to go into Iraq, based on what we now know,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “Lisa immediately popped up out of nowhere to read me the riot act, and I responded back, point for point. And then she rebutted my rebuttal to her rebuttal, and I rebutted that.”

“Before we knew it, we were, like, averaging about 50 to 100 comments per blog post, and then spending hours making posts to counter comments, and then posts to counter posts,” Ms. Kruntsmucker added.

Neither blogger claims to hate the other - just their views.

“I think Lisa’s actually really cool,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “I mean, now that we’ve actually met and stuff, I see we have a lot in common. We both like Star Wars, for instance. But I bet I have more action figures than she does!”

This caused the two to launch into a fifteen minute argument over the size of one another’s collection. Ms. Kruntsmucker won hands-down once she convinced Mr. Gorebizinski to accept not only old figures and new, but the twelve-inch dolls made back in the 70’s and early 80’s.

Ms Kruntsmucker has a “complete collection.”

“I know it sounds really, like, messed up to be spending all that time arguing with someone I just met in person the other day,” Ms. Kruntsmucker said: “But it’s a matter of principle. The blogosphere has to be kept free of French surrender-monkey bullshit like Jerry’s, and I’m proud to do my part.”

“I mean, we could have, like, backed off at any time,” Mr. Gorebizinski said: “But the way we just went after one another... I mean, damn, Lisa’s just ferocious when she thinks she’s got you on the defensive.”

“Not that she ever really does, though!” He was quick to point out.

“I do have a natural tendency to press the issue up against the wall,” Ms. Kruntsmucker admitted: “My ex-boyfriend said it was because of how I was raised. You know, six kids in the same house and all. If you don’t put your foot down and pick your voice up, you ain’t getting nothing.”

“But then, my ex-boyfriend is now my ex-girlfriend, and trying to get the operation reversed, so, like, what kind of judge of character is that?”

Ms. Kruntsmucker’s comments were then rounded on by Mr. Gorebizinski, and the two spent the next hour and a half arguing over sexual self-determination, the Supreme Court’s recent overturning of Texas’ anti-sodomy law, what constitutes “proper” sexual behavior in American society and the relative cultural merits of gay porn.

(and with that, we're on vacation for a week and a half. see you!)f


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