Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Birtherism, Bottom Feeders, and Bigfoot Babies

We interrupt our normal Tuesday Night Music segment with this special bulletin: The Globe announces that Obama's Presidency is Illegal! Read it now before the facts change! Now with music video...

(photo courtesy of Doc Conspiracy)

The other day, while shopping, I came across a sight that, while not entirely unexpected (given its penchant for bottom feeding and scandal chasing), was still quite startling. According to The Globe, which has brightened our supermarket experience for years by telling us of celebrity affairs, breakups, deadly illnesses, and other misfortunes (not always entirely true, but not always entirely false, either), OBAMA WAS NOT BORN IN THE US!!!!!!!

Yes! Really! Really really! No fooling! Really. Yeah! Totally! For Sure! Absolutely!


Of course, the article was nothing new. It was mostly a rehash of Tim Adams' interesting (and highly questionable) tale that's been making the rounds, courtesy of his ill-advised appearance on the appropriately-named Political Cesspool. That and some out and out lies, misstatements, things taken out of context, and the like, and you have your average tabloid rag article:

"All the bullshit that will fit - just not enough to be sued for it."

But when has Birtherism ever been anything BUT tabloid fodder? It began as a rumor - a mental virus - sparked by a vengeful person in the last hours of a dying political campaign, that was pressed into the hands of someone that could be counted on to spread it far and wide. And look at how far it's gone, and how many strange permutations it's taken as competing persons have sought to put their name on a particular strain!

The only difference between Birtherism and most things in the Tabloids is that usually, when the courts are involved, it's because some celebrity had enough and took one of the sleaze merchants before a judge for specified damages. With Birtherism, however, the battle has usually been in the courts, along with the internet - source of "truth" to far too many - and other such venues where money talks, bullshit walks, and the incredulous are willing to believe the incredible.

If you want a true snapshot of Birtherism, itself, you need look no further than this moment in time. Somewhere, in a supermarket near you, someone is thumbing through the Globe's cover story and nodding along, either because they believe everything they read if it's printed somewhere - no matter what it's printed on - or they kind of suspected all along that something was a little hinky with the President.

Just like all those tabloidy tales of sex, lies, and adultery, we automatically assume that dark and awful things lurk behind every glittering smile, either because we recognize too much of ourselves in the beautiful people, or because we really hope those above us are just as flawed and broken as we think we are. It's a sickness we can't help. The Australians call it "Tall Poppy Syndrome" - you get too high up and it's time to get brought down a peg.

Only, with Obama, the Birthers have been trying to take him down since before day 1. We can't have an uppity Negro Marxist Stalinist Fascist Communist Muslim in the White House! Oh no! Quick - glom onto any technicality, any interpretation, any loophole, any THING we can find to get him on a plane back to Illinois!

Even if there's no truth to the rumor.

Even if there's no validity to the interpretation.

Even if the law doesn't say what you claim it says, or mean what you say it means.

Here it is in another nutshell. Bob Birther claims that Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with his Two Headed Love Child. But Debbie Gibson is not pregnant, and certainly wouldn't let Bobby stick it to her in the first place (we hope). However, not to be deterred, Bob argues what "pregnant" means, according to various scholars who may not really be relevant to the discussion, and continues to insist there's a two-headed love child out there, somewhere. Barry Birther - who may or may not be allied with Bob - even insists that it's a Bigfoot Baby, all covered with fur, which sends the true believers (read "trolls") off to the web sites to argue that Bigfoot is (1) real, and (2) really hairy, and (3) given to two-headed babies.

And while we're here trying to argue with trolls that Bigfoot is NOT REAL, the central issue - was debbie gibson pregnant bu Bob Birther? - gets assumed out of hand by the true believers, and we can't even assail it for all the bigfoot stuff in the way. (What was that line about keeping the enemy so wrapped up that they won't know what hit them?)

Okay, maybe that wasn't a nutshell. But it does bring us up to the obligatory music video: in honor of the Globe taking note, once more, of this bottom-feeding phenomenon, here's our usual Tuesday Night Music feature, this time featuring the best tabloid song ever, courtesy of the one and only Mojo Nixon - Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with my Two Headed Love Child!

Yes, that is Winona Ryder as Debbie. I have no idea who played Joan Collins, Rick Astley, or Spuds, though.

(Item: Driving around this morning, I saw a bumper sticker - yellow writing on red - on a pickup truck. It proclaimed IF IT SOUNDS LIKE MARX AND ACTS LIKE STALIN IT'S PROBABLY OBAMA, with the O replaced by a hammer and sickle. The truck also played home to an I LOVE GLOBAL WARMING sticker, two punk rock skeleton heads, and what may have been a pair of truck nuts. By their marks shall ye know them.)


Post a Comment

<< Home