Sunday, March 21, 2010

House Votes to "Destroy America" - Millions Flee Antichrist

(Washington) Millions of conservative American voters are packing their belongings to move out of America following the the historic vote to overhaul health care, which passed the House 219-212 late Sunday night.

"I can't call this country my home anymore," Larry Stirbuck of Showanna Falls, Wisconsin said as he bundled his family of four into his SUV, preparing to go someplace more "spiritually befitting" his family - Mexico.

"It's dirty politics down there, too, but at least you know they leave the Devil at the border."

Mr. Stirbuck was not alone in his fears of the Antichrist having taken control of the American government. Numerous reports of "millions" of Americans packing and leaving by whatever means possible have were coming in since House Democrats affirmed they had enough votes to pass the bill, late this evening.

"Total, all-encompasing health care is of the devil," Presidential critic Joseph Farah proclaimed on World Net Daily, earlier in the evening: "I have complete evidence that the President has undertaken this crusade to destroy America, enslave Americans, and sell our nation's soul to the Devil. And that's why I'm packing up and leaving this very instant."

"Also, I'm still not a Birther."

Farah was not the only high profile conservative comentator to take it on the lam.

"I'm so gone it's like I wasn't here yesterday," Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh radioed in from his luxury yacht as he sped to an undisclosed island getaway.

"I'll probably continue to broadcast to what used to be my country, in case any freedom fighters remain behind and try to retake it. But as far as stepping on land, no chance. Not until the Devil is out of the White House."

Likewise with FOX news and the Christian Broadcasting Networks, which shut down moments after the vote so their oddly-overlapping staff members could "eat, pray, and leave."

"I can't stop crying," Glenn Beck was overheard saying: "For once I don't even need to snort visine. This is real this time!"

The belief that the legislation was written in league with the Prince of Darkness apparently started some time ago on a long-since-hacked web site, obama_is_satan.com.

Produced by a coalition of bithers, bigots, PUMAs, and political opportunists, the controversial site proclaimed that the newly-elected President was a Kenyan national who'd murdered and cheated his way into the White House, and was planning to enact sweeping legislation to bring about Armageddon. They also accused him of being directly responsible for 9/11, the San Francisco earthquake of 1906, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

According to one panicky blog post from January of 2009: "First he's going to make us all have to have health care. Then he's going to make us all wear RFID tags. Then he's going to order anyone without health care or a tag a terrorist, and have them shot on sight. After that, you might as well just call it Revelations."

No one from the web site cared to comment on the vote. Calls to their 800 number have been unanswered since last June.

President Obama, apparently unfazed by religious criticism, declared the vote a "historic victory," but emphasized that there was still an uphill battle in the Senate, and the inevitable lengthy battle to make the two bills agree with one another.

"I think people need to stop overreacting, and remember that this bill, as written, won't be worth a plug nickel by the time it actually reaches my desk," he said.

"They're so concerned about Satan, they're forgetting that the real devil is in the details."

1 Comments:

Blogger SilentOrchestra said...

Great entry! (I feel sick to me stomach now that this bill has passed.)

9:48 PM  

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