Sunday, June 06, 2010

Al, Tipper, and ManBearPig - A Story About Letting Go

al loves manbearpig

Place: The Gore Mansion, just recently. Tipper Gore is in her bedroom smashing rock and roll records with a demonic look on her face. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

Al Gore: Tipper? Can I come in?

Tipper Gore: Oh... uh... can you give me a minute, Al? I'm kind of busy.

Al Gore: It's really important, hon.

Tipper Gore: Can't it wait until later?

Al Gore: No it can't. I'm super super cereal about this.

Tipper Gore: Oh! That sounds bad.

Tipper quickly kicks the broken records under the bed and lets Al in. Al looks sad.

Al Gore: Thanks, hon. I've been trying to think of a way to say this... and I don't know the best way to say this. How is it I can get in front of millions of people and talk to them about the bad state of Mother Earth but I can't tell the truth to my own wife?

Tipper Gore: Oh Al, what is it? Did you take more bribe money from environmentalists again?

Al Gore: No, nothing like that.

Tipper Gore: Did those goofy kids on South Park make fun of you again?

Al Gore: Oh, I only wish. Tipper... I need to... I mean... *sigh* I'm in love with someone else.

Tipper Gore: *GASP*

Al Gore: I've been in love for some time now-

Tipper Gore: What? Have you been unfaithful?

Al Gore: *longer sigh* yes dear.

Tipper Gore: Oh my god! Who was it? Was it an intern? Or that damned spotted owl again?

Al Gore: No, no. We talked about that, hon. That wasn't love. That was just needing a strange piece of ass on the campaign trail.

Tipper Gore: I thought you'd learned your lesson then! All those feathers...

Al Gore: It's ManBearPig, Tipper. We're in love. And... it's cereal.

Tipper Gore: *blinks a few times* Honey, ManBearPig isn't real. I've been trying to tell you for years-

Al Gore: No, Tipper. He IS real. I finally caught him out in the wilds of Arkansas. I'd tracked him to a boy scout camp, and got there too late to stop him. It was... *shudders* it was terrible.

Tipper Gore: Oh no.

Al Gore: It was just some troop of boys and their den father, or whatever they call them these days. All out spraying Off on spiders and carving their names on trees, and he'd attacked and eaten them all. But as I sat there, watching him chomp on their broken little bodies like babyback ribs at an all-you-can-eat joint, I finally realized... every time he's ever attacked and killed someone, it's always been because they've been abusing Mother Earth.

Tipper Gore: Oh. So... well, what did you do?

Al Gore: I walked out of the bushes, laid down my guns, and I asked him 'can you ever forgive me?' And he roared and offered me some boy scout. And... God help me, Tipper. I ate them.

Tipper Gore: You're kidding. Right?

Al Gore: No, Tipper. I ate their broken little bodies. I'm totally cereal.

Tipper Gore: Well, that's not entirely without precedent, Al. Remember there's such a thing as Stockholm Syndrome-

Al Gore: And then we had hot sweaty mansex for hours.

Tipper Gore: *GASP!* You pig!

Al Gore: See? This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd get angry.

Tipper Gore: Well... well duh! How long have we been married? How many kids have we had together? How many times have we had to use this perfect little family of ours to win elections or make money? And now you want to throw it all away for... for what? Some big thing that eats boy scouts? And is... is gay?

Al Gore: I don't know if gender really applies in this case, dear. But, yes... there WAS another penis involved.

Tipper Gore: Oh... OH... OH! Oh fudge!

Al Gore: Look dear, I know you're angry. And I don't blame you. But let's be honest - this has been coming for a long time. At the start of our life together, the things that we shared were wonderful, and the things we didn't share just added some sexy danger. I mean, I liked Frank Zappa, and you burn rock records, but we could both agree that Twisted Sister was a primary danger to America's youth.

Tipper Gore: Heh, yeah. Those were the days.

Al Gore: And they were GREAT days, hon. But you know... we've grown apart more than we've grown together. Our kids have left the house. I've got my environmental activism and my shameless huckstering, and chasing ManBearPig. And you've got... well, you've got your broken head full of competing psychoses, your attempts to stay relevant in a world where you got almost everything you wanted... and, yes, there's your photography-

Cut To: Tipper's face as she thinks of her and the camera. She poses in increasingly-risque outfits for a smiling camera that can take its own pictures. Prince's "Darling Nikki" plays in the background. And then-

Al Gore: Tipper? Did you hear what I said?

Tipper Gore: Oh, uh, yes. Yes!

Al Gore: You see what I mean? Even now that I'm bearing my soul to you, you're only half interested in what I have to say. You're thinking of what it'll mean to you, instead of what it'll mean to our family... such as it is.

Tipper Gore: I guess you're right, Al. Maybe I have been selfish. Maybe we really need to show how much we really love each other by finally letting go.

Al Gore: Thank you. I love you, dear.

Tipper Gore: And I love you, too, Al.

Al Gore: Will you come to our gay wedding?

Tipper Gore: Don't push it.

Cut To: A montage, set to the Partridge Family singing "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" Al and Tipper face the cameras to announce their separation; Al and ManBearPig go on a date in the deep woods; Al and ManBearPig get married in New England; ManBearPig catches Al having sex with a spotted owl; Tipper Gore gets married to her camera

Everyone happy. The End.


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