Friday, April 21, 2006

I Hate Michigan Nazis

So, in case you hadn't heard, the Nazis are coming to Lansing on August 22nd - Hitler's birthday. They're going to have a "rally" on the state capitol steps. Of course, the protest set is going to outnumber their slack-jawed asses by a ratio of 50 to 1, and all the uptown businesses have been asked by the police to shut down before the rally for their own safety. The downtown branch of CADL's going to comply, of course.

They have the right to march, organize and to speak and be heard. I'm not denying that. I'm also not denying the sane side of the argument has the right to show up and counter-protest. But I find that such counter-protests can turn into mindless violence and riots if people aren't careful. (I also suspect the violence is being sparked by people who want to see such gathrings turn into disturbances, but I'm not sure who would do it.)

The city has wisely decided to have a counter-event somewhere else - some diversity thing. The Nazis think the city is no longer being impartial, and has threatened to sue if they can, and maybe just show up and crash the diversity party. It seems the city cannot win when the Nazis want to march.

What to do...?

Well, I have to work that day, so I can't go. But in the name of sanity and public safety, I have a possible solution.

We all know that there are furries: people whose sexuality includes fantasizing about, or actually dressing up as, anthropomorphic animals. They often wind up being figures of fun for those of us who "don't get it," but it's hard for some of us - me included - to keep a straight face while imagining two people dressed up like cartoon dogs going at it with each other. It's like something out of a John Waters movie.

What we maybe didn't know is that there seems to be a subset of Furrydom that has a thing for Nazi fetish, too. So on top of the anthropomorphic animal stuff, they'll be wearing black leather Nazi gear.

Imagine Scooby Doo in a black leather trenchcoat with an SS officer's cap and a swastika armband. Now try not to laugh.

So what I'm wondering is... can we, in less than two days, get about 20 - 50 Nazi Furries to drop whatever plans they had, and come to Lansing, Michigan for the counter-protest?

They could hide in the swirling crowds of anti-racist types, and don their gear while no one's looking. And then, when the clowns on the other side of the barricades get up to the podium to talk about White Power, someone could whip out a boombox and play "YMCA" by the Village People. The furries could goose-step to the front of the barricade, turn around at strategic points to show off their armbands, and then do a dance routine to what is, perhaps, the most beloved of cheesy songs ever written.

If my plan works, the crowd will be stunned into amusement, and will spend the rest of the afternoon dancing and singing along with their new friends while the Nazis' heads explode, unable to process what they've just seen. On the other hand the nazi furries may be mistaken for actual nazis, themselves, and be beaten to a pulp as the eventual riot starts early, and this would be bad.

"I have a dream..."


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